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WOMEN COMING OUT

Introduction and the reason our original
Support Group came into existence:

I had shopped around my partner’s and my first book “How To Be A Happy Lesbian: A Coming Out Guide” for about a year to the big publishers in New York City, only to find that no one was interested in it. Seems they didn’t like my idea of providing a downloadable Ebook version of our guide for women who needed it but were afraid to buy it in a bookstore, or women living in countries where being LGBTQ+ could mean imprisonment or even execution.

I finally decided enough was enough, and with encouragement from my mentor, Patricia Nell Warren, a lesbian author and publisher, I decided to market the book myself.

At that time, I was the graphic design manager for a book distributor, so I had learned a lot about the industry. I had also been designing magazines and catalogs for a long time, so the jump to designing books was easy for me. After much agonizing over coming out in such a huge way, I finally decided to start my own company, and Amazing Dreams Publishing was born.

“How To Be A Happy Lesbian: A Coming Out Guide” was written primarily for young women who were coming out, but women of all ages and from all parts of the world were downloading the Ebook version—I think it has been downloaded over 6,000 times.

After the guide had been available for a few months, a woman used the Amazing Dreams Publishing contact form. She wrote a very beautiful message that she really loved our guide, but felt that she needed more support in her coming out process. She was married with kids, and living in a rural town in the Midwest, and she was scared and alone in the world, because there sure wasn’t any support for LGBTQ+ people for miles around.

I can remember that moment like it was last night. I was sitting in the living room chair with a laptop on my lap when her email came in. I teared up as I read the message out loud to Kathy, and then asked if she would help me if I started a group to help with a need that had not been met in our coming out guide.

Kathy said yes, and I immediately went to Yahoo and set up a group called Support For Lesbians Coming Out, which was eventually changed to Support For Women Coming Out. I then wrote the woman whose email changed the course of my life, and invited her to join. She was our first member...

I guess this woman Emailing me was a pretty important thing, because over two-thirds of the members who were in the Support For Women Coming Out group were, or had been, married to men, most had kids, and many were living in very rural areas.

We also had members who were bisexual, questioning, possibly straight women who were in love with women, and asexual women who thought they may be lesbians. We had members who were struggling with religious issues including members who were nuns.

Our members were not just from the United States; some also lived in countries where being LGBTQ+ is a death sentence, so the Support For Women Coming Out group had become a lifeline for many women.

It is amazing to me that being turned down by all those publishers led into me opening Amazing Dreams Publishing which then gave birth to a support group that helped over 5,000 women from almost every country in the world, but in the long-run things usually work out for the best. Our members even nominated me for the Oprah Hero's show, which turned out to be the last Oprah's Favorite Things show where I and one of our group moderators were given a new car and over $20,000 in merchandise tax free.

I truly think that the Support For Women Coming Out Group is the most important thing I have ever done in my life. Sadly, Yahoo took down all their groups in December of 2020, so we opened our own private online community website. If you’d like to join our community website, please visit us here: amazingdreamspublishing.com or womencomingout.com.

I hope this compilation of posts from the Support For Women Coming Out online group helps you as it has helped many others. Please see some of the comments about our first group members on the next few pages.

Sincerely yours,
Tracey Stevens
Owner and Co-Moderator of WomenComingOut.com

Comments from members of our
Support For Women Coming Out Group
now at WomenComingOut.com

This first story is from a member from New Zealand who is Maori, and it was very difficult for her to come out:

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I joined the SFWCO group in April 2004, nearly 7 years ago.  I live in Aotearoa (New Zealand) and when I finally started to accept my sexuality I searched for information and connection to the gay community.  There was nothing available where I live and I was 5 hours away from the major cities.

Joining SLFCO gave me the anonymity I needed due to my work (I am a care and protection Social Worker for the Government) and it felt less threatening to be able to ask the questions I was so desperately seeking answers to.

I gained so much from the group as they have walked alongside me in my journey to live as my true self. Tracey and Kathy provide an invaluable service to the lesbian community. 

The SFWCO woman have become my online whanau (family). They were there when I was outed by a client at work, they were there when my relationship ended, they were there when I came out to my daughter and I know that they will continue to be there every step of the way. 

Tracey, Kathy and the other woman in the group offer support, encouragement and even a reality check when needed. I’ve grown into my own skin over the last 6 1/2 years, the hardest person to come out to was myself, and had it not been for the group I probably would have jumped back into the closet and nailed the door shut. 

I had grown up with pretty negative images of lesbians and being an abuse survivor, I believed this as the reason I couldn’t be in a heterosexual relationship.

Tracey was amazing during this time while I untangled and detangled my sexuality from my sexual abuse. She provided information, research and honest replies.

The best thing for me now is that I get to contribute to the lives of woman around the world. Due to the different time zones its a real warm fuzzy to leave messages of support for the other woman for when they wake up.

On my life’s “To Do List” is to attend one of the SFWCO Fallfest gatherings.  It will be a humble experience to meet Tracey and Kathy and say thanks in person.

Kia kaha
Diane aka Rainbow Angel
He kokonga whare e kitea he kokonga ngakau e kore e kitea ~
The corners of my house may be seen, but not the corners of my heart.

Kelly S.

South Dakota

 

The next three years were challenging and ended with being arrested for driving under the influence. I went into treatment and realized I was drinking to not deal with my sexuality and decided I needed to find acceptance and move forward.

I found my way back to Tracey’s group in October 2009 and have been a regular part of SFWCO ever since. I recently had the greatest gift of going to Asheville and meeting Tracey and her partner Kathy and some other group members who were able to make the trip. The group has given me so much and I will be forever grateful. I am moving forward in my coming out process, and I would not be who and where I am today without Tracey and her SFWCO group.

Tracey¹s story is inspiring. She overcame so much in her life and she is the bravest and strongest woman I know. Her heart is huge and her compassion for all people is endless. I feel the Universe sent her to me and I treasure her and support all she does to help women worldwide. I still have healing to do and obstacles to face but her group and continued support encourage me and give me hope and strength. I am blessed to know Tracey and call her my friend.   She has helped countless women and continues to work hard and volunteer so much of her time to support and keep all the members in SFWCO safe. She is AMAZING and has a beautiful heart and soul.

 

I’m Robyn living in Australia, and Michelle is my partner who is an American. We met on the 25th of May, 2005 in the US after becoming best friends over the Internet and phone. I had decided to come over and visit Michelle, and the moment we met we knew our lives had changed forever.

We held hands the whole way home-which was very strange as we were online friends, and Michelle had her best friend and her 3 kids in the car with us, as well as Michelle’s daughter, Victoria, but it felt so natural and so right. Within the first week of my US visit, we knew that we had truly met the person that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with.

It was very challenging when we realized the depth of our commitment to each other, and as a result we had to make some very difficult choices. I decided that I could no longer deny who I was and continue to live with my husband of 21 years, and I had to leave my family home, get a flat and live on my own. My kids were 15 and 19 at the time.

Michelle lost most of her friends from church, and had a huge falling-out with her parents, who believed that we would corrupt Victoria with our “lifestyle.” It was at this time that we found the Amazing Dreams Publishing website and we joined the  Support For Women Coming Out (SFWCO) group. As members, were able to share our feelings and circumstances with understanding and  compassionate women who had been there.

We struggled to find a way that we could live TOGETHER in the same country. I had visited Michelle initially for one month, but I extended my time for a total of three months. Michelle had visited me in Australia for a month, and then I came over to the US two more times for three months. On my last visit to the US, I was advised by the Australian consulates that there would be no problems, but I was heavily questioned about my reasons for coming to the US so much, and was strongly advised not stay in the US for too long because I wouldn¹t be allowed back in to Australia!

It was at that time that we¹d already planned a trip back East to NC, SC, GA and TN so that we could meet our online SFWCO friends, especially Tracey and Kathy, for the First Annual SFWCO Fallfest in October of 2006. They had alwasy been such a strong support for us in our journey, and that was a great experience for us to feel like we weren¹t a minority, and that we were “normal.”  I proposed to Michelle at the group dinner on the Saturday night we were all together, and it was truly a night to remember!

Unfortunately, it was impossible for me to come to the US and live permanently as Michelle¹s partner. We even checked into moving to Canada, but that wasn¹t possible either. We then discovered that Australia allowed same-sex partners to be sponsored into the country, but we would have to prove that our relationship was genuine. Although we¹d been together, even when separated through no choice of our own, for 2 years, we had to physically live together in the same country for 1 year without any breaks. After piles of paperwork, medical exams and considerable fees, we set our plan into motion.

Michelle sold her condo and car, and got rid of most of the stuff she and her daughter had in the US. I had to show that I could support all of us during Michelle and her daughter’s stay. We applied for and received student Visas for Michelle for a Diploma of Massage Therapy course that was to last 18 months for $13,000, and for Victoria to attend public school, we had to pay another $8,000 a year until she was considered a permanent resident.

Victoria and Michelle flew to Australia and arrived the 15th of Jan 2007. Michelle completed her Massage Therapy course in 12 months instead of 18 months as the school had accelerated the program. When we¹d been together in Australia for about 10 months, we began to organize our Permanent Visa application, which consisted of a 2 binders full of statutory declarations from friends and family who knew us as a couple--Tracey also completed a declaration supporting us. We also had to supply copies of our lease, bills in both names, bank accounts in both names, pictures and supporting documentation that we were a legitimate couple. It was a massive undertaking, but on the 22nd of March 2010, Michelle (and Victoria) were granted permanent Australian residency on a Same-Sex Partner Visa sponsored by me.

Another major event was that on the 20th of May 2010, I legally changed my surname to Race. This was the only way possible because even though we are recognized as a de-facto couple here in Australia-we are not allowed to marry. Australia allows for the de-facto partner to be the beneficiary of the other¹s Superannuation (similar to Social Security or a Retirement fund). We were the first couple to register with Centrelink (Centrelink is an Australian Government statutory agency, delivering a range of Commonwealth services to the Australian community) at the Ipswich office when the new same-sex de-facto legislation came into effect July 2009.

We have bills like everyone else, we have stress like everyone else-we still share our heartaches with our dear friends on the SFWCO group. Even though we have been together and are happy in our lives together, we still have our struggles with discrimination and isolation from close-minded people, because we have found our happiness in each other and we happen to be the same sex.

In my opinion, we love a little harder than most because we’ve had to work so bloody hard at being together. We still talk every day on our mobiles as Michelle drives to and from work (50kms each way) and on her lunch break, a routine that we started in the US and when we were stuck living in separate countries.

We are happiest in each other¹s company, and since we’ve been able to live together in Australia, we haven’t spent a single night apart-even when I had back fusion surgery and was in the hospital for 5 nights, Michelle was at my side, sleeping on a mat on the floor and taking care of me, as the nurses were often very busy. We care for and support each other in every way, and make it a point to put our relationship first. We celebrate our 6 year anniversary this coming May and we remain deeply in love.

Sincerely,
Michelle & Robyn

NOTE FROM TRACEY: as of this writing in September of 2021, Michelle and Robyn are still in love and together in Australia.

I am extremely lucky to live in an area where I can be who I am, and live the life that is right for me without fear. I can walk down the street, or through the marketplace, and hold my girlfriend’s hand. I can go out with her, kiss her in public, or introduce her as my girlfriend and not worry about much in terms of negative backlash. It’s not to say that I don’t still face homophobia or ignorance sometimes, but living in Canada I know I am protected, and I am free to be who I am. If it weren’t for such security and protection, I don’t think I would dare to be as bold as I am about my life and my relationships.

In September I had the opportunity to travel to NC to meet some of the amazing women who had provided support for me and my two children and meeting them in person was the reality I needed to put everything into full motion in my life.

Tracey and Kathy have been amazingly supportive throughout the entire process of my coming out, leaving my husband and taking care of two very young children. They are amazing women that provide support for so many without ever asking for anything in return.

The SFWCO group provides support for those of us who are still unable to come out completely due to job security and family relationships, and it provides a place for us to be able to question and brain storm over our life issues. Many of us have children and family relationships to protect and some even have their personal safety to consider--some of those who live in closed countries where they have to hide that they are even on the site, much less what the true meaning of the group is.

The SFLCO is like a family and it is nice to know that there are always women who are there to support me regardless of what they may think of my life decisions.

Jane
Atlanta, GA

 

Enough could not be said about Tracey and Kathy--the founders/co-owners, who selflessly and tirelessly volunteer their precious time, devoting themselves to helping women by offering them a safe place to get real-time, authentic, caring, thoughtful and kind support.  The members are from all over the world.

Kal

San Diego, CA

 

To begin, I will tell you that I have been married for 15 years.  When I turned 33, just after my daughter was born, I found it increasingly hard to be intimate with my husband. At  first I thought it was him. Then I figured out it was me.  I chalked it up my past, full of dysfunctional family things, and marked by abuse I went through long ago. 

A year or so later I befriended another woman - a few years younger than me, a single mother of 3, who was openly gay. It wasn’t a sexual attraction, more like an emotional one–the kind where I felt as if this girl was the best friend I was waiting for all my life. Once again I found myself in a flurry of romantic emotions.  Our friendship slowly faded due to distance and the fact that I live a married hetero lifestyle. At this point my relationship with my husband was becoming more and more difficult.

Around 2 years ago I met a woman in a fitness class. We got to know each other and we were both having marriage issues. She was separated from her soon to be ex-husband.  He had cheated on her for many years with other women when he was away on business.  It devastated her and she opted for a divorce because she cannot trust him to be monogamous. 

That knocked the wind right out of him...and me. It was emotionally heart-breaking, and I felt guilty, but it was an opportunity to get him to go to marriage counseling with me, so we can figure out what to do together. 

The next day things got worse, he was angry, bitterly printing out divorce papers and stuff.  I felt worse.  Then he came to me and asked me if I had told him everything. I asked what he meant by that. He started in with my best friend “I know you are attracted to her. You had those lesbian friends...is that it? are you one of them?”

TI first joined SFWCO perhaps four years ago. I was in my mid 20s, in my first lesbian relationship, and while I was ecstatic and wanted to tell everybody on the planet how crazy in love I was, I was also unsure of how, if at all, my role in the world had changed.

I’ve known I am bisexual since I was 15, but I’d never before actually been in a relationship with a woman. I’d never faced the question of whether to tell people she was my girlfriend or my “roommate.” I’d never heard the slurs and disgust, both murmured behind our backs and shouted to our faces, when we walked down the street hand in hand.

Finding SFWCO was like finding a haven. Although I’ve been more fortunate than many of our other members, with a loving, accepting family, supportive friends, and a generally tolerant city, SFWCO has still been a place to vent fears, to share with women who understand, and to work through new revelations about my sexuality and how it affects my identity. And best for me, as a result of my personal growth aided by the group, it’s a place for me to pass that opportunity on to the other women in the group. I am gratified to now be able to offer support, advice, and empathy to other members, all because of what Tracey and Kathy gave me four years ago when they admitted me to the group.

Frances
Philadelphia, PA

I’ve been out for 1.5 years now to my (now) ex-spouse, my children (7&11) and my immediate family, friends and co-workers. I’m now very happy in a 6-month relationship with a wonderful, bright woman and wonder everyday why it took me so long to get here to this level of self-actualization. I still often face the questioning stigma of being a woman who transitioned mid-life from an exterior heterosexual orientation...and I guess that would be the angle for my experience.

 Tracey Stevens of Asheville, NC is an international hero to gay women coming out. Seeing the need for a safe support group for women in their journey of coming out, Tracey created the online group SFWCO (Support For Women Coming Out).

I found SFLCO 4 years ago as I began accepting myself as gay. I passed the screening process and dove in to post in the group. Immediately responses flooded in from women all around the world encouraging me in my journey.

Fast forward 4 months ago when I posted saying my partner of 2 years had let me. I was confused, in pain, scared and not sure where to turn. I was 44 years old and in my first relationship EVER. I posted to the SFLCO group and the response was immediate.

People I had gotten to know online and in person at the annual Fallfest gathering in Asheville, NC, began responding–people from Maine, New Zealand, Los Angeles, New York, South Dakota, and many other places. My loneliness in this horrible life situation began dissipating.

The SFLCO members have supported me over these past 4 months while making my journey to understand what happened, how to handle it, and what to do next to ensure I approach this in the healthiest way possible. I wouldn’t have the clarity about the loss of this relationship without the advice of these women to guide me. They have given perspective to my journey. Had Tracey not seen the need so long ago and started the SFWCO group, I would not be as far in the relationship breakup process as I am today.

Tracey has said creating and supporting this group is the single most important work of her life. She has her own web design business as her “real” job. The time devoted to the SFWCO group is offered freely from a heart overflowing with love for those coming out. I do know a hero! Her name is Tracey Stevens. I am a better person for knowing her.

Debi N.
Atlanta, GA.

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